Now that I've talked about what fills my days.... I have to say... that I'm NOT always doing and going going going! I think one of the reasons Americans are so unhappy is because we don't allow ourselves down time. We have no peace, we are never still. The Spirit's nudges and messages are always quiet like a whisper and they can usually only be heard when at rest. Just sitting and "being" is one of my favorite things to do. It's always last on the priority list in our culture however.
Moving down south and being able to be outdoors the majority of the year with absolutely breathtaking scenery is really what openend me up to down time. That and meeting Brandon... a man truly at peace. The only down time I had growing up, was on Sundays... but I have come to realize that the more simple my life is, the less busy, the closer I am with God. Up North, growing up, I just filled my life to the brim! School, sports, friends, always always go go go go go. It was always chaotic, always a rush and always busy up there! And there is fun and happiness and a sense of accomplishment in that for the SHORT TERM.. but it will end up eating at your soul in the LONG term.
That's one of the many reasons grandma and I needed each other so much. She was always at peace. The older I get, the more I understand her. I wish she was still here, I have so much I want to talk to her about! We balanced each other out. I made her go out... and she was able to experience and do things vicariously through me.... and she slowed me down. She helped me just sit and be. I'll never forgot sitting on the backporch with her one summer day and just sitting and not saying anything and all of a sudden I just felt the spirit flood me and I knew she felt it too. We both had goosebumps and tears in our eyes.... which happens instantaneously with me when I feel the Spirit. There was not 2 of us there... There was 3. It was a turning point for me.....
Our lives in general as a society are such a mess because we are so BUSY and the devil tempts us with more and more to fill our lives... the devil will even use 'good' things.. he works on our human nature to want more more more so that even inherently good things turn bad, because they distract from God....ex: volunteering, cleaning, making ourselves and our environment beautiful, creative projects....
The devil will use anything he can to take our eyes off the Lord. God is the Prince of Peace and it's something that can only be received from Him. The opposite of peace is chaos, turmoil, busy-ness. Our prayer, quiet, down time is so important for the soul and our relationship with God. But as usual... the soul isn't a priority. Our society focuses on the outside. Our activities, what we have, what we look like, what our house looks like.... but God looks deeper.
I've come to realize it's ALWAYS the little decisions and small seconds/minutes in our lives that make a difference. It's always the small steps that lead us to huge drastic life changes. I am soo thankful that God has lead me to this point. Sometimes in the past year, I have felt that my life had no purpose compared to what I used to be like. I have such a driving personality, I always want to be excelling and doing and moving forward.... but life is different now. God has stripped everything I thought I was good at, away from me and humbled me. I became a mom and gave up the life I thought I was supposed to be living to be able to train him up the way I'm supposed to. Right now, I don't have a ton of contact with others... I am not making a difference in a lot of people's lives... I'm not really "doing" or "succeeding" as society would tell me I'm supposed to at this stage in my life............ and after months of frustration... I can finally say, I'm okay with that. I need to appreciate this time with Raymond. To my little family, I make a HUGE difference and I do have a great purpose in this small setting.
Thank you God for doing what was best for me, even if I fought it. Thank you for loving me enough for not letting me stay the way I was.
Only after You had taken away all that I thought my life was.... did I find my true self, and You.
"Every day before sunrise, Jesus got up and went out to a place to be alone to pray" -- Mark 1:35