I have been on a total spiritual high for over a month. I have felt soo close to God, I have seen so many victories in so many areas of my life the past month... spiritually, physically, emotionally, financially, and in so many relationships...I have been so truly excited that I actually might be becoming useful to God. I have been plugged into Him like never before and He has been blessing me in so many ways. I could finally see not just believe but SEE how He is preparing me for something. I felt I was finally going to be really useful to Him! That I could bless others! That I could make a difference somewhere somehow! That I wouldn't just be an average 'churchy' christian.
but I had a crash in the past 24 hours. I believe that I was attacked spiritually.....but I believe God is going to use it for good. I honestly don't even know where this blog entry is going to go....I am just going to sit here and type my heart to figure out what is going on and why the sobs wouldn't stop last night until I fell asleep.
I am very aware of my personality and that my highs are REALLY high and my lows are really low - so knowing myself....I don't get 'scared' of these lows anymore - but I still don't LIKE them!
Part of my heavy heart right now....is that I have a hard time when I am just totally overflowing with the Spirit and I feel soo joyful, loved, passionate, excited about life ---- and nobody else gets it. I don't want approval from others - I am past that point. I don't want to use my closeness with God to boost my own ego ---- but I want others to see my joy and excitement and I want them to be inspired! I want others to feel what I feel! How come the revelations that are mind numbingly INCREDIBLE to me -- fall on deaf ears. The past 24 hours, I feel I have been speaking from my heart and giving and giving and giving -- and they have just fallen on deaf ears. I have literally seen my seeds that I want to plant in others - just get blown totally away into the wind - it's like I KNOW something that I want to convey to others and I can't get it out! And when I do get it out -- it doesn't sound right and it isn't received well. Does everybody just already know the things I know - so I am just silly for talking about such simple things?!
Why does the devil let so much confusion in. I am a very simple believer. I believe the word of God is the Truth and that it's very black and white and simple. I like to keep things simple. I don't believe in thinking with our mind and dissecting every passage and second guessing and trying to be logical - I believe we are called to have a simple, childlike faith. The word of God is enough. Believe it...believe what it says, it's that simple to me. Why in my recent conversations then God - did you not let that prevail!?
When I feel like I have something to convey and the seeds just get blown into the wind or get put into rocky soil --- it is seriously heartbreaking and discouraging when this happens. I have been in discussions in the past few days - and in the moment each time I started to think .....oh wow, this is the opportunity GOd has been preparing me for! I was thinking - God give me words to speak - God help me be a blessing! I really felt a lot recently that God could totally work through me to help somebody overcome their doubt, sin, or valley they are in. But He didn't..... what I wanted to communicate, wouldn't come out. I couldn't find the words in the right way to convey what I was feeling inside. God's message on my heart was lost in a lot of theology and confusion and commotion. It was discouraging! How could He have let that happen? Let the theology and confusion be the apparent winner?
God, I believe you love my childlike faith! I believe you gave me simple faith for a reason. I used to try to work out my doubts and work through my valleys with logic, with my mind....but I realized I was thinking with my mind - I was "too educated"!! I realized that thinking with my MIND doesn't work! no matter how many ways you dissect it, the answer is a very simple answer. The answers to what everybody is seeking - is so simple that I understood it at 7 years of age when I was saved. I truly believe that Jesus is the anwer to everything - and I believe if people don't accept God and Jesus to be the son He sent to die for my sins...they will go to hell. I don't want the ones that don't know you God that are around me...to go to hell! Won't you use me to help break down how complicated people try to make things. Sometimes I feel soo....looked down on! Sometimes I really feel like they are saying "aw look at how cute Randi's faith is"...."they" being people who are soo 'educated' - who know more scripture than me - and know all the theories about this that and the other. But do they know YOU God!? How tricky of the devil to plant seeds in me that maybe my faith is TOO simple. Maybe there's something wrong with ME. I believe that WE have messed up christianity God - but I believe that YOU meant things to be simple! That is why Jesus spoke in stories right!? You don't like confusion do you!? You don't want to spend soo much time theorizing and dissecting scripture --- don't you want us to just go and bring non christians to Christ!!??? Isn't it very simple God!?
It's simple to me --- I need to continually grow closer to God through His word and time with Him - to be able to be fully devoted to Jesus Christ and get others to do the same. I like to keep things soo simple that they become very deep! I believe that we always have to do exactly opposite of what society says! And I believe society says that it can't be this easy - that it can't be "once saved, always saved" --- but I BELIEVE YOUR word God! Romans 10:9 - how much more simple can you get than that!? I will continue to learn scripture and do whatever I can to get closer to you - but please God always keep me simple! Keep me and my faith and wisdom in a way, "simple" so I can keep it simple for others who are seeking you. The complicated stuff can come later in their walk - but shouldn't we be so aware of not complicating things in front of non christians!?
I don't know why my discussions recently have gone so wrong....maybe God it wasn't about the words? Maybe it doesn't matter what voice "seemed" to be the winner? Maybe it was about the way I communicated instead? Did I do a good job of at least being loving even if I didn't have any good words?!? Were SOME/ANY seeds planted God, even if I didn't get any positive feedback at all!?
--- I am in a pit. God, will I EVER be useful to you!? I feel...worthless.... because I KNOW that without being useful to you I am NOTHING. I am a strong enough christian that I can swallow the Truth that there is nothing good in me without you. But do I have your approval God?! I don't want to look for others for approval, for love to fill me - I want YOU to fill me. I know this earth is meaningless compared to eternity and being with you --- so why am I here if I am not useful. Will I be useful someday!? I want to be used! Can't my simple faith help somebody!? Can't you use me to love on others and be an example of the love they so deperately seek. I realize that the only thing good in me is you --- and the only success I have is from you. and I feel like I am at the point in my walk that it's action time - am I wrong!? Why would you pour so much into my life this past month if it was for nothing... have you been blessing me just to build me up - not to use it to help others in some way? Am I just too impatient? I need rest - I have been disciplining myself so much to dig into your word, and it's not always 'easy' to seek you out. In my quiet time after this blog - I am just going to lay on my bed and just totally rest and listen...I don't want to read, I don't want to journal, I don't want to figure out a wonderful revelation - I just want YOU - I need some love and rest and I know you'll give it to me. I need some reassurance. If God is the only thing good in me...is there even thing special & unique about me that can't just be replaced by somebody else. Why is the devil trying to make me believe I can be so easily replaced - that's not true is it God!?
Yesterday on the way to work.... this 80+ year old guy whose eyes were barely about his big lincoln towncar steering wheel - pulled out in front of me - and I don't mean just was rude and pulled out --- I mean he literally just didn't see my SUV going 50+++ miles down the highway - and pulled out from a side street into the middle of the road, I was in the left lane - he pulled out RIGHT in front of me - and I saw the end of my life and I wasn't scared. I had to swerve from the far left lane into the right - I totally lost control of the wheel, tires were squealing - and I felt the car about to tip. I have a car with a high rollover risk - there is warning signs plastered all over the driver seat that it has high rollover risk, etc.etc. I have no idea how I didn't tip over....I truly believe that as I cruised down the road singing KLove on - singing that song, "show me your glory - I want to see your face"..... God had a hedge of protection around me. I pulled up to the stoplight - people got out of their car and were just all open mouthed like what the heck just happened. The man STILL had NO clue what was going on. People were trying to get his attention and he is just staring straight ahead no idea what he just did. I shook for over an hour just because of the adrenaline. But I have to say - I didn't have a joyful, "oh praise God thank you for saving me" moment....it was like - GOD why did you just save me!? Am I really that important? If you don't want to take me to heaven, please use me. I truly just felt like....oh well, if I had died would it really matter. It wasn't even a pity party, I'm not a depressive, pessimistic person - I'm exactly opposite.... but at the same time, right before that song came on and that almost fatal accident happened - I was listening to KLove - one of the love stories of the month - and it was talking about this huband who had lost his wife and he was so excited that God had given him another wife and how she was really his completer, etc. etc. --- and the devil planted in my head....see everybody is replaceable... even you. If you died, some people would be upset for a while -- but God is really all that matters so they would get over it. The devil is using some Truth (God is truly all that matters) against me. He is distorting it just enough to actually have it make sense in my brain.
But no matter what my mind says and what the devil plants in my head -- my heart says NO I'm not replaceable! The Spirit is in me as part of the "body of Christ" but that doesn't mean *I*am Christ and He could just go use somebody else's body if I leave to go to heaven --- I'm RANDI with Christ in me! Having Him in me just helps RANDI be more like Him - I have my own special gifts & talents and I was designed specifically and uniquely! Nobody else can be like me.
It's just such a hard abstract thing to think about sometimes. I doubt anybody even understands what I'm saying --- this is a very personal attack that was laid on me. I don't like when things are so complicated....I need some clarification!
But I believe GOd is going to use this attack for the good - becuase I love Him. Romans 8:28 I know that discouragement comes after spiritual highs - I know this. Especially the type of highs I have - which are very emotionally exciting and physically exhausting highs (because of my excitement and joy I don't get a lot of sleep).... and I know right now I just have to do what is necessary to let God restore my inner resources. So I'm going to speak God's word into my life:
God loves me! He loves me so much that He created me in His image and when I fell (sinned) from glory - He sent His son to be crucified and take the blame and consequences of my sin so I could have a relationship with Him. I was created a female on purpose -- and He understands the essence of my female heart. My heart may be too much for some - my emotions way 'too much' for others - but He undersatnds me and knows me! He gave me a heart that wants to bring him Beauty and live a wonderful adventure with Him. He tells me: Randi I KNOW the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and bring good to you - plans of hope and a future!
and I believe you God! I believe that even when my seeds are blown into the wind - I realize that I will be given other opportunities. Even if I feel I disappointed you and myself - it's okay! You are using my weaknesses to keep me ever humble and patient. I want to be used - but I am going to commit to doing it YOUR way. Please God just give me the words when I'm supposed to have them - and when it's not my time to bless somebody (even when I feel it is)...just help me see the bigger picture - that YOUR perfect timing is just that...it's perfect! And it wasn't time to use me yet..... Help me remember that someday I will be useful to you!
Continue to search my heart and keep me ever humble God! But help me understand true humility. The devil wants me to believe that humility means I have no worth or self esteem at all ---- but humility is not about beating myself down and thinking nothing of myself -- it's all about putting YOU and YOUR will above all else! I know you feel my pain and discouragement and I know you will build me back up after this horrible few days.