Well today Raymond is napping in his pack n play in my room for the first time ever so I'm typing in the kitchen. They had to reseal and retrim and then repaint his big window in there in the past few weeks and the paint is still a bit wet from this morning so I'm letting it ventilate. We're having another great day - it's still really hot. I don't think I formally "announced" it on my blog but I am retiring from Verizon Wireless (yeap - that's who I work for) on July 8th to be a full time stay at home mom and wife!!! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH I wish you could see the happy dance I am doing inside. I only work part time right now (5 days a week, 4 hours in the afternoon/evening) but I literally feel so giddy when I think about coming home full time that I just want to SCREAM! So I can't think about it often or I won't get anything done and won't be able to concentrate haha. 21 more days of work! :) Not that I have had a countdown on my fridge & desk at work since there were 50 days to go! :) Soooo since that is on my mind, I want to share some thoughts.... I have a LOT of thoughts on it, but today I just wanted to talk a little bit about our value as humans and the roles we're called for.
I have many reasons for leaving to come home - ever since I got pregnant, I have wanted to stay home full time; but the major reason that we finally decided it was time is because I literally will have MORE money when I stay home. Right now I'm having to pay for gas driving back and forth to work and pay for the babysitter of course who makes almost close to what I make (yeah - babysitters don't want $5 an hour like I used to get not even 8 years ago) and Brandon keeps such long hours now - I am almost losing money because of gas prices. I know everybody is griping about gas prices, but I can't thank the Lord enough for them right now. It gives us financial justification (we already had all the other justifcation) for me to come home and it gives us an excuse to walk to the grocery store, bank, and CVS right down the road.
SOoo all that being said - I am so excited but I have to admit it's going to stretch me to stay home full time. Working or staying at home are both extremely difficult --- so I honestly can't say one is harder than the other; and I've done both so I know...BUT the difficulty is a different kind of difficulty so I'm going to be stretched to go back to those old challenges I had being a SAHM the first months. That is how I know I'm doing the right thing and that this role of mom and wife is what God is calling me to do - because I feel a bit uncomfortable about it. And from experience, I know that any time I feel uncomfortable - that is usually a good thing. It's the testing of my faith and perserverance - testing if I'm willing to do what it takes to excel or just stay mediocre. God is never concerned with our comfort at all - in fact I believe we'll feel a lot of uncomfort when we find our calling. Then when we "win" that battle and push through the uncomfortableness and our flesh protesting against the challenge - the credit and glory go to God.
I'm uncomfortable that there will be even more expected of me around the house and in Raymond's development. I'm uncomfortable that *I* will be solely responsible for Raymond's behavior, training and growth in all areas. There's no, "oh - well Brittany (babysitter) must have been letting him do that" etc. etc. I will have full credit or full blame for what Brandon comes home to. I'm uncomfortable that I will have to be the full organizer and director of the day from 7 am to 8 pm --- rather than 7 to 3pm and 7:45 to 8pm. I know that I make a difference at work and that the company values me and that my customers value me a lot....but I am not concerned with worldly value. I am thankful that God allowed me there to be able to plant good seeds into people's lives....but that part of my life is over.
I literally am in tears thinking of what a dream come true this is. Praise God. It doesn't even seem real yet. I am going to pour myself so much more into being a mom and wife - it's almost like I feel lke I'm becoming a mom all over again. It's like WOAH I'm a MOM!! It still bewilders me to this day. Thank you God for allowing this dream to come true and for telling us the time is finally right. I really am ready.
So to follow up on my last post about abiding in Him and getting my value from Him and not anything I DO during my days.... I want to say that I think most of us are way off base and are missing the mark (sinning) in this area of our lives - the church shows me over and over again how worldly they are in this area..... do you value certain people's lives over others? Do you value popular evangelists over stay at home moms? Do you value preachers over new members? Do you value the life of a missionary of a christian widow old and gray? Do you value adults over babies in the womb? or children over the elderly?
Do you believe that a person is *more* valuable to God depending on the role they were called for?
I don't. I believe the only value we have is because of who is in us. I believe we are only worth anything because of Him. I don't believe any role we have or anything we do could make us more valuable to God. For so long I have been writing posts and praying the general message, "God won't you use me? Aren't I important?" and He finally spoke back to me and said Randi your value does not come from what you do - your value comes from the one that created you. The fact that you were "created in His image".
We as sinful humans value people dependent on what they can offer or have offered. I truly believe God is on such a different level and standard. So many verses speak that God looks at the heart - in other words there's so much more going on than what we see. My husband works in nursing homes and you all know how much I have a passion for the elderly. Time and time again, I see the circle of life -- that the elderly and the stages they sometimes get to before going to heaven parallel the stages of our toddlers and infants - and we coddle and swoon over and nurture and love our babies and cast aside our elderly who need the same care. I assume it has a lot to do with our inner sinful selves knowing that our children will grow up and they will be something we will be proud of. There will be a result of our care..... while the elderly will simply get 'worse' and pass on. We are so results driven. We decide where we will spend our time and energy by what the outcome will be. We look at the difference "we" have made and the results "we" have done. God doesn't.
I was the queen of results. Of being success and result focused, driven by worldly purposes and my days were filled with things that made me feel good about me and that made me feel worth. And I knew I was headed down a wrong path - I remember crying one night in 2005 for God to change me. That I could tell I was trying to force things and force my plan and not His and I told Him I was ready to do what He wanted me to do.... soon after that, God started stripping away everything I valued my life by and I found out I was pregnant. Being such a driver and goal oriented personality, this is a battle I'll always have to watch out for - looking for significance in things or roles.... but deep down God has taught me that lesson in my core -that no matter what roles He calls me to - they are not what give me value. My value will not change in His eye.
I don't know what roles God will call me to, right now I'm "just" going to be a mom and wife....but I believe that God will call me to more roles in my future - now that He can trust that I won't get a big head and believe I am more valuable or anything special just because the world values that role more.
I do believe we are called to find and refine and use our spiritual gifts and talents God has blessed us with to further His kingdom. and I certainly believe that some people are more useful to Him than others. I absolutely believe He is searching for people who will allow themselves to be used. Who will stand up and tell Him I'm ready God - use me, stretch me, make me uncomfortable! I look forward to finding out what other roles God is going to use me in... not to increase my value... but because I am valuable and I know He loves me and I love Him and I want to help others know they have the same offering.
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. It's okay if you don't agree -- challenge me. Love you all