Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Captivating - Chapter 1 Part 2

We know the expectations that have been laid upon us by our families, our churches and our cultures. There are reams of materials on what you ought to do to be a good woman. But that is not the same thing as knowing what the journey toward becoming a woman involves, or even what the goal really should be.

I know I am not alone in thsi nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman. Every woman I've ever met feels it - something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough and I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive [Randi insert here --- too wordy] too opinionated, too messy. The result is shame the universal companion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone.

After all, if we were better women - whatever that means - life wouldn't be so hard. Right? Why is it so hard to create meaningful friendships and sustain them? Why do our days seem so unimportant, filled not with romance and adventured but duties and demands? We feel unseen, unsought and uncertain...Aware of our deep failings, we pour contempt on our own hearts for wanting more. we long for intimacy and for adventure; we long to be the beauty of some great story. But the desires set deep in our hearts seem like a luxury, granted only to those women who get their acts together. the message to the rest of us - whether from a driven culture or a driven church - is try harder.

Man I love this book.

These beginning passages really were a reflection of my heart when I read them the first time.... it feels so good to re-read them because I really am a totally different person than the first time I read them! Now I can say, "no worries randi.... there is a Savior in this story! You are part of a wonderful beautiful story started way before you were created and that will continue way after you are gone from here!!!"

I related to these questions & the emotion and sorrow felt in the beginning of the book so much the first times I read it.... but now I can say that I am freed from the shame that the world puts on me. I am free from worrying about my significance & value. I am free from trying to please the world or create a following for myself.

God has shown me my value and I have come to realize I am His beauty! He has been pursuing me since the moment He thought of me and I am so thankful that He kept knocking until I was ready to open the door. He is my love and He is enough for me.

He is absolutely my best friend... the person I talk to most and spend the most time with. I LOVE that He is literally always there... but not only is He there and willing to listen - He is willing to pour love back to me and speak back to me. I LOVE that I never have too many words for Him. He will never say --- okay Randi you're getting a big wordy, what's your point? He is ALWAYS willing to listen and He is never taken aback at my whining or frustrations.

I am so thankful for this blog. It's one of the ways I spend time with Him. To mull over what He is teaching get out what so few are willing to listen refine the lessons He is pouring into my heart.

He is available 24-7.

Pursuing us. Watching us. Anxiously yet patiently waiting... But He won't force open the door.

Much more to come from Captivating! :)

1 comment:

Robin said...

This book is on my to read list...