Learning, Discipleship, Systems

I have truly been under attack the last few weeks... but God has been so faithful to bring people to encourage me, pray with me and speak into me. He is reminding me to take my thoughts captive and use His Word as a sword! The attack today was just feeling overwhelmed with information. and discouragement of what I felt was time wasted in my past as I tried to learn/grow...

A few thoughts on what I learned:

• because I was always such a great public school student... I have this system of acquiring and retaining knowledge... but here's what I learned: spiritual transformation has nothing to do with that system. That system is not applicable to my spiritual life. (dang! and praise the Lord! I'm so thankful that it isn't!!! I hated that process of school and how nothing was ever used later on. Just memorized for reguritation. So thank GOd it's not like that... but dang! dang! because I sure did treat it like that for a long time... what a waste...)
• true wisdom only comes through experience and life lessons.... letting the Word play out in our lives... not just acquiring knowledge.
• it's all about transformation - not information
• that being said.... I know it's a great thing to be seeking knowledge ("info")... yet I've let it get in the way of me spending time with God. How did that happen? The system became a thing I leaned on instead of God.
• So how to seek knowledge but let it help me get closer to God and not hinder? I don't want the sytem to become a "thing".... so to keep my organized side happy but not depend on the system... I will now choose just *one* verse/passage and not move on to something else until it has become a part of me.... until I have truly soaked it in and have made room for it. I will continue to write letters to God in quiet tme as I have time and as He leads me in my journal - but I will just highlight the passage He's working with me on. Not a million passages a day - ONE.
• I don't know how this happened. I thought I was such an advocate for not letting knowledge be an idol. For God loving my heart and not my brain --- but something shifted..... I truly believe that so many of us christians are so busy LEARNING we don't even know God. We spend so much time learning we never spend time BEing.
• I had truly let myself get overwhelmed with 'information' and organizing it.... There is just so much to know! It's always such a humbling and (even) mourning experience to see how little I know.... how little I will always know on this earth... how much more there will be... and how there is no formula and final exam to regurgitate all of this. That's a great thing and a bad thing. Bad thing because I'm a control freak in many ways and I like systems. I love organization.... but I need to stop leaning on me. I need to GIVE IT UP! Geesh! How many times has God spoken that to me. Give up trying to do it on your own and you will get what you desire!
• I must learn to trust the Spirit more. He will help the words abide in me. He will help me memorize and acquire wisdom.
• I should not be discouraged that I had done it wrong for so long. I did what I thought was best at the time. I refuse to let the devil in to burden me with guilt at the mistakes I've made.
• This process is so hard. All this pruning and growing and stretching. I better get used to it - this is what life is all about huh? :)
• just because I don't remember all the books I've read, all the scriptures.... that is okay. I'm not supposed to. I also don't remember every meal I've ever eaten -- but it nourished me at the time and that's what is key.
• Reminder to self: remember what Allysa spoke into me about grandma. Grandma didn't 'lose' that knowledge and wisdom that life had taught her though I saw her lose it in her earthly body & mind the last years. Her physical body isn't who she was/is. Her spirit is still very alive and well. I can't be fearful of losing knowledge, stressed over keeping it organized, etc..... this isn't what life is about. Geesh! It isn't about filling my brain and storing things up like school - this is all about learning to lean on Him. Learning to think like Him. Live like him. Working out my salvation that He already gave me. Journeying daily with God - to let Him change and shape and mold me to conform to Him more and more. Grandma, who she really is, her spirit never lost anything and she truly did pass so much on to me - that knowledge & wisdom wasn't lost in so many ways!

As always... this teaching though it is for me personally is also SOO applicable to the role I'm in right now with Connections at church. He is reminding me that learning/discipleship/growing isn't linear. There's no -- okay she 'got this' now let's let her graduate into the next 'class'... It's very 'messy'... can not be controlled... Spirit-lead.... circular...and unique for each of us.

How come I truly don't like systems in the church -- yet in my personal spiritual life I was operating in one? What I believe so strongly about discipleship - I need to apply personally!!

Knowledge & wisdom comes from life and I know as Connections director, God just wants to help me create environments for people to connect so they can experience life together. In a tight community with His Spirit.. growing and learning through life experiences... prepared & encouraged & strengthened through the Word.

P.S. I can't stand know it alls.... but I sure do love lovers. People don't care what you know... until they know how much you care. We are not called to fill other's minds with knowledge... we are called to love.