Friday, March 29, 2013

My Purpose: To be His clay

I'd like to continue writing on what I feel the Lord has been planting in me regarding personalities....and hopefully I will. But now I have to get down some thoughts on my calling & purpose and some notes on what the Lord has planted in my heart.  

Daily surrendering is so painfully hard!   Putting aside my life and the plans I had for myself to be obedient to God's call to devote myself *fully* to being a wife & mom feels like such a great risk some days.  I truly believe in my heart there is no greater calling than being a wife & mom... but I have to convince my "leadership"-trained, impact-driven, results-focused, striving for "the best",  perfectionist - head that truth frequently.   This is not to be a post about working outside the home moms vs. stay at home moms.  I'm simply speaking about what God has asked of *me*. 

I don't fear losing my identity in my husband & children...because I know my identity is in Christ.

I don't fear worshipping my husband or children...because I know that I am doing this for the Lord above all else!  

I don't fear focusing TOO much on my children or husband....because I know the Lord has protected me from that by keeping my focus on Him! 

I *do* battle the fear that I am missing something God has planned for me or that I am wasting something in me.  My heart knows there is no truth in that fear....but for those days that my head doesn't... here are some reminders:

  • (For the perfectionist side of me that lives with the daily failures in parenting & family life)  I will never be perfect.   I do believe God has FREED me from perfectionism – but I have to guard against it daily and one way I do this is to literally VISUALIZE Jesus filling in that space between where I am, where our Church is, where my kids are – and the IDEAL.  When I feel myself (or ourselves) fall short, in my head I literally see the ideal (or where I want to be) and see myself so far below, trying so hard to climb and claw up and just falling so short.... visualizing Jesus in that space has helped me sooo much when I feel the failure of daily life.  I am not perfect.
  • So knowing that, I am learning to embrace brokenness of myself, everybody, life....but that doesn't mean I have to keep my expectations too low.  I won't give up the belief that simply by surrendering to Him and walking close to Him, the Lord can do ANYTHING He desires and that whatever He sets in motion, I won’t thwart in my imperfections. He is sovereign! And the plans He has for me are better than I can imagine!
  • God is so patient & understanding & merciful in how much He reveals to us. He has been so faithful to give me just a TEENY glimpse, glimmer of WHAT COULD BE – because if He gives me any more than a glimpse, He knows I would just run all over the place thinking that just because He showed me something, it means it was supposed to be acted on NOW...It is soo hard to see what could be and yet still accept that NOTHING is to happen right now but the surrender (reminding me of David who was anointed and then went back to life as a shepherd)… I’m thankful He helps me not be tempted too much to rush ahead and strive for things that He hasn't yet prepared me for.... I'm thankful that He just gives me little slivers of what could be.
  • Because the truth is that just like David – the preparation always comes in the *waiting*.... and I SO SO SO want to be prepared for whatever else He has in store for my life.
  • AND I am impulsive so I am pretty convinced that I am supposed to SIT on an idea until it’s just impossible to NOT do…(exactly opposite of what 95% american churches or people would teach me)
  • Because when the Lord opens the door and wants me to move – maybe I am wrong - but instead of feeling very burdensome and weighed down and just lots of *self* needed... it feels light (but not easy!) and brings with it a true understanding it’s HIM doing the work and not me. Those times when the door opens to something that is truly *all* Him have been so fruitful...but the times I have acted when it feels burdensome and heavy and lots of self — so not fruitful. I didn’t wait long enough those times.
  • I am convinced that I’ll never miss God’s call on my life by thinking too low about myself or too little about myself. I have, however, seen myself and many others lose out on riches He has to offer because we think too much of self and not enough thinking on Christ, of Christ, for Christ.
  • My worth is found in relationship with HIM, not in how He uses me.
  • I am the clay!  (Isaiah 64:8) The good works He has prepared for us are truly HIS works.  The piece of clay doesn’t take credit for how the potter made him or how the potter uses him. The clay just takes credit for how moldable he was. The SURRENDER.
  • The good works He has prepared in advance for us to do — will happen!! He doesn’t fail. (Eph 2:10)
  • My job is to walk close with Him.
  • I am thankful for the grieving process the Lord took me through in ‘giving up’ all the glimmers/dreams I had for my life when I gave them all to the Lord.  I really mourned.  I cried over them - which is just sad - because we know that anything we give up, God gives back WAY more.  But I did mourn over them and surrendered them to Him. I have come to a place where I REALLY am content if God decides to “only” ever use me as a wife & mom… I have truly accepted it.  There are moments when I'm weak and start feeling anxious or distracted... but He has been faithful to bring me to new places of surrender.
  • I'm pretty sure the world needs more people who are willing to just be an obscure, no name, no face, no popularity, no recognition – Christ is all - somebody!
  • BUT maybe that is not for everybody!! I know that He called me to surrender and to truly give up all my striving, dream building, desire for greatness, self focus, middle class American-taught striving for 'excellence'… and to just SURRENDER.
  • God does use people in ‘public’ ways…in more recognized ways… in further reaching ways (though many times the furthest reaching in spiritual realms is not the most public or recognized here!!)….but I’m not sure I will ever be used in any way other than my home & street – and I accept that
  • I surrender!..... until tomorrow.

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