Why do I struggle with these cycles of everything is fine (actually more than fine - overflowing awesome!!!)...and then the next hour, some little thing triggers something and I spend an entire day beating myself up, beating my husband up (not literally) and just feeling like I can not accept forgiveness. My personality? I am sure that plays a part. Hormones? Maybe. But there's something much more going on here.
I can't let go of this condemnation sometimes, this condemnation I put on myself when I haven't met my expectations or my husband hasn't or my kids haven't. When I start on this path of condemnation & destruction.... I can not let go of guilt. And so many painful memories come to my mind that I hate about my old self & my past. When I get in this condemning mode.... the longer Brandon (in his wisdom) refuses to engage with me, the more angry and angry I get until out pours all kinds of mess I was holding in that I didn't even realize I was still holding. Anger because we are not good enough. Anger because we are "failing".
Anger because I am mourning over my imperfection & undeserved-ness and poverty of spirit. I then stay angry because I do not accept the comfort He is offering. (Matthew 5:3) He offers me comfort... but I will not accept it in these moments. I want punishment for everything and everybody.... even though I really don't.
Where do these thoughts come from!?! I know they are NOT from the Lord!!
After one of these vent sessions....God is always so faithful to heal the damage I just inflicted and show me scripture that makes it every clear - I am loved. I am forgiven. I am free. He is so faithful to bring me a sister in Christ to speak truth into me and show me how I am sinning by holding on to guilt and not focusing on Truth.
This cycle needs to stop. I can't stay on this rollercoaster. I NEED to catch these thoughts sooner. The all over the place, up and down - same conversation every 2 months over and over and over again. I need off that ride! I'm like that man tossed about with the waves because my heart & mind & eyes aren't focused.
After writing yesterday & talking to friends today, I believe I am getting to the root here. Here is what I believe He is teaching me:
God does not command me to WIN; He commands me to LOVE.
I can not LOVE if I do not accept HIS LOVE.
I can not accept His Love if I am ignoring His Truth.
If I ignore His truth, other thoughts WILL replace that space in my heart & thoughtlife.
Even though I spend time every.single.day in His Word (it's one of my goals on my expectations of my day, you know) - I am still often somehow IGNORING it!!
I need to find some scripture that He can use to reprogram my mind when I feel FAILURE. Scripture I can cling to right in that moment before the major Randi storm comes. In those moments when I can't stand our imperfections. When I am so impatient at how LONG it takes for ANYTHING to change. When all I see is fail fail fail fail fail.
I am going to find them, write them down and focus on them. I am going to learn to start reading them when I have the first inclination that my thoughts are starting to drift away from truth - not just after I have gone WAY down that path of wandering and have done so much damage.
I will not do this perfectly. But I think this is the whole point. I am not perfect.
My perfection is not the goal. My personal perfection does not glorify Him. The goal is more of Him, less of ME. So that I can become the TRUE ME. The ME I was always designed to be. Not this flesh me... but this me that is being revealed more and more. He WILL change me - I will be transformed by the renewing of my mind - but that is not the goal.
HE IS THE GOAL. He is the heavenly treasure. He is the heavenly rewards.
THE GOSPEL is all about HIM. The gospel is not a shout at me to work work work and obsess over my personal holiness/righteousness so I can be deserving of grace. The gospel is the message that HE is all. and EVERYTHING finds its place IN Him. The gospel is that I am not, cant not, will not ever be deserving of His mercy & love & forgiveness & the freedom from condemnation. BUT that He offered it because that's just who HE is.
It is NOT ABOUT ME.
It is ALL ABOUT HIM.
I can't believe how hard it is for me to LIVE THIS!!!
That justice I seek so badly.... this thing in me that wants somebody to pay and pay miserably for all the imperfections I see.... that justice IS finished. Praise the Lord... JESUS HIMSELF was willing to GIVE UP HIS PERFECTION and He took on ALL that sin & shame & guilt & blame and my sins HAVE BEEN punished. It's over. Somebody has paid. It was Jesus, my savior!!
That cry & yearning for justice I feel is not a bad thing....it's just wrong when I forget that the crimes have been punished... even though He was undeserving.
THAT is how I will direct my thoughts: the punishment I seek has been given. Look at what He took for me. Why do I live & act like there is MORE punishment needed!? Did he not do enough for me?!?!!?! :( This is so much bigger than me, my husband... this is about ME not accepting what HE DID.
He gave up His PERFECTION - He offered it right up - sacrificed it. NOW --- will I follow my Savior, the One who took all punishment that YES I deserved? Will I accept this gift, every single day of His great grace that gives me everything I could never deserve!?
Will I accept that He sees me as perfect forever - even as I am being made Holy??
For by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy. Hebrews 10:14
Jesus knew His followers would have this issue. He told them:
Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect. Matthew 5:48
They would later understand...perfection is not attainable in self. But it IS attainable through Him and He has gifted it to us. The question that is left is... WILL we accept it?!?!
Will I give up aiming for my perfection that *I* could never attain anyway.... and instead accept His perfection that He gave up!? !
Will I focus my aim - my heart & soul & mind & strength right on to my treasure, my reward - JESUS my Lord???