I find my discipline in reading the Bible and doing my best to be in constant communication to God, is going in the wrong direction. Why does that happen? Do I just get lazy? Is it just that the devil keeps me "busy" so I miss out on the most important thing in this life?
Maybe it's just because when grandma went on to heaven - things were crazy for a while and I got out of the habit. Then after I came back home, I was too heavy-hearted to even read the Bible. Whatever the reason... I need help. I need to get my life and my reading and my relationship with God back on track. I don't treat Brandon like I want to - I know I can be a much better wife for him. And that's just the beginning of the flaws I know I possess that gives me a heavy heart. It's one of my sins that gives me guilt that tears me down. My mouth can be so evil sometimes... see previous posts on words. I need God to take his soap and rinse my mouth out - and actually just rinse EVERY part of me out! Please God make me anew. I do love you and do so want to be close to you. I'm ashamed as always of my sins - but I don't want to be trapped in this guilt. Free me from this guilt God. Don't let me listen to the devil -- I AM good enough for you - not because of who I am, but because of what You've done. I know you love me, although I know I don't deserve it.
The only thing I can offer right now is the song that popped out of my lips this morning out of nowhere while in the shower:
"How many times have I turned away? The number is the same as the sand on the shore. But every time, You've taken me back. And now I pray You do it once more. Please take from me my life. When I don't have the strength, to give it away to You Jesus. How many times have I turned away? The number is the same as the stars in the sky. But every time You've taken me back. And now I pray You do it tonight."
I don't mean my physical life God -- I mean my worldly sinful life. Take everything I am God and help me start over fresh once again. I so yearn to be who you want me to be. I know that I am not doing what I need to to get closer to you - please help me! Help me keep my discipline up to read your word everyday. I don't know why I don't take the time to do it every day -- because I LOVE your word, I really do! But I need to do it the same time every day I guess to be able to make it a habit!! Please help me stay in constant communication with you. Please help me be ever-aware of your presence! I am so in love with you God and in so much awe of everything you are and have created. I do want to fulfill whatever purpose you have for my life. Please help me remember grandma and the example she was for me and don't let the devil let me lose my focus. I want to be better - for grandma, for Brandon, for Raymond, for ME but most importantly and above all else - for YOU.
Make my purpose that I'm supposed to fulfill extremely evident, God. Father, light the path and tell me which direction I am supposed to go in -- or tell me I'm on the right track and to just keep doing what I'm doing!