I've just been thinking about this post from January and wanted to put it here again. The part I truly wanted to remind myself was this:
He is teaching me what it means to truly LOVE. but I couldn't manufacture/ create that sort of love. I couldn't make myself love Him enough to desire to spend time with Him. that's where the Holy Spirit came in! Listening to talks on the Holy Spirit by Francis Chan and then reading out of Love Dare --- within 24 hours they both had the EXACT same message --- that HE is the one who gives me the ability to LOVE --- selflessly. It is impossible to have agape love and desire God so much without the Spirit. The Spirit is who lets that love flow.The spirit is who we tap into when we show that agape love. It's His outpouring that allows that love to be possible for us.
So it's like the one thing I was striving for - I was *trying* to love God & others (on my own doing)..... when I stopped striving and let Him love and help me --- then I was given back a million fold what I was striving for.... sort of like, you can't get it -- until you give up trying for it. What you sow you shall reep type of thing?? Give up self - get self back? Give up your life, get it back.
I was trying to do things by myself.... rather than letting the Spirit do His thing. It was an impossible feat so obviously the devil had a great hold on me as I beat myself up with guilt.
It's so true --- we can not in our own work manufacture or create love for Him or others. We can't "try harder". HE is love - all true unconditional selfless love comes from Him alone! We must let the Holy Spirit fill us... spending time with Him & The Word, asking God to please fill us with love & passion for Him.... those were the first steps for me. To just ask for help, make myself available in quiet time & time in the Word..... then before I even realized it I was filled with love for Him & others!