I was 7 when I accepted Jesus. Made the decision to love Him and have faith in Him. Since then, God has been a part of my life - mostly because He patiently held me up - not because of anything done on my part. There have been seasons of growth with Him where I had an overwhelming abundance of His love and comfort. There have been seasons where the only thing I had to do with Him was asking Him for things. No matter what season I was in, deep down I always believed He had a plan for me and that someday I would be totally all in, sold out for Him.
That 'someday' started in May 2007. My grandma passed on Mother's Day 2007 and since then so much has been happening in my heart. God has really been stirring something(s) in me. Grandma's first day in Paradise was the first day of my intentional journey with God.
Since that day a year and a half ago, I have really been in a season of preparation. Of intentional study and devotion to getting closer to Him. I really believe that He has always been there for me. That He has always been waiting patiently and doing His part to prepare me.... but He needed me to decide to submit to Him and to finally become intentional in allowing Him to reveal Himself to me, to change me, to use me.
What a wonderful journey it has been in just 19 months. What wonderful things He has been doing in the quiet hours in this chair. at the kitchen table. In my bed. On the kitchen floor. On the bathroom floor, cheeks to the cold tile. Tear marks left in every crevice around here. Tears of shame. Tears of joy. Tears of thankfulness. Tears of brokenness. Tears of frustration. Tears of doubt. Tears of faith. Tears of love. Tears of pain.
I'm so thankful that He didn't have to send me halfway around the world to have a huge turning point in my life. But it did take losing my spiritual mentor and one of my best friends, my grandma to truly start my adventure with Him. I know I can't reverse time - but man would I have done things different if I knew grandma would be leaving that day in May 2007. But...what was the lowest point in my life --- God turned into the very thing that changed me and inspired me.
In small seeds every day, He has helped me make it my passion to pursue Him. He has taken the measly, seemingly insignificant minutes that I have dedicated to Him.... and He has strengthened my spiritual muscles and my faith backbone. He has changed my life. Nobody probably even noticed what was going on through me. It's amazing to me how quiet the Spirit works sometime. Here I am going through a huge transformation and it is unknown to the world - even to some closet to me. I remember so many times - just wanting to stand up and shout in church, on the streets, in my home like people aren't you excited!? Don't you feel what I feel?! Is anybody else alive!?
In the quiet minutes daily in my home, God has shown me to never underestimate the power of the Spirit. He has shown me it's okay to cry. That my "bleeding heart" is beautiful to Him - because His bleeds to. He has given me hope that things can change. That people can be helped. That nothing is ever truly lost. During high school & college, I allowed my bleeding heart, compassion and sensitivity to be hardened and pushed down. It was just much easier to turn away from suffering and put others down for looking — then to feel the pain of compassion and injustice especially when you’re such a sensitive/emotional person. That hardness was just a lack of spiritual maturity. I really believe even looking back that I needed to become hard at that stage of my life because I wasn’t strong and faithful enough yet and it was breaking me down. I used to go home crying from school and have my mom come get me for the littlest injustices I saw - every year - until 7th grade when the hardening started.
But as I journey with Him more and more, He softens me. I can look at injustice & pain more and my heart bleeds again. I can cry again. Because there's hope. There is a Light and there is a mighty power that saves & transforms!!
I cry for the amount of time I spent not pursuing Him. I kick myself for the lack of attention I gave Him, the creator of the universe, open and ready for me. I lower my head in shame at my pride, my selfishness, my immaturity. But He wipes those tears, heals those bruises I afflict on myself and lifts up my chin encouraging me of hope for a new day.
I am so extremely excited for the calling He has made extremely evident to our family. God has called us to a new church & ministry right down the road from our doorstep. He has linked us up with like-minded/hearted friends to journey with. What a beautiful, passionate, humble, incredible, diverse group He is pulling together. He has given us spiritual mentors/leaders to help guide us and encourage us.
We met with the launch team, as a team for the first time yesterday and it took everything in me to hold in the tears I felt welling up looking around at all He's doing. I wept inside out of thankfulness for the heart of our leader whose desire to love God & love people is so touching & inspiring. I believe that God has blessed me with the ability to see what the seeds He is planting now will someday turn into. I see it and I'm fired up! I tossed and turned all night with excitement, joy, thankfulness, anxiety (good anxiety) of all that is in store.
I would love for you all to check out the church website crosswindslive.com --- there's a new website coming soon. We are the 6th family now added to the launch team.
There's so much to do. So much more He can do if we allow Him. I am praying for Him to reveal to me what specifically He is calling me to do. What skills/gifts has He blessed me with that He can use to build His kingdom, to strengthen it.
Thank you to my bloggie friends for praying for me in this new journey. Thank you for being there the last 2 years. I can't believe I have been blogging (on numerous blog names) for 2 years: What started off as "ramblings" turned into my "retreat" which turned to my "journey" --- which all compiled to be the Seeds In My Heart. God is so incredible!!
I praise you God so much for all you've done for me, in me, the past 19 months. Help me stay humble and recognize my value is in you. That you deserve the credit & praise for anything you do through me. I am sincerely just proof of how the Spirit can change ANYBODY. I have so so so so far to go but I am so dedicated to letting you use me God. Thank you for all you are doing in this heart, this home, this town, this state, this country and this world you created. May You shine in 2009.